I pulled my chartreuse wool sweater over my head, and started the car. It takes practically five minutes for my smallest to put his shoes on properly and just about the same amount of time for my windshield to defrost. We make it out the door just in the nick of time. I didn’t scream or yell at my kids , there was no panic attack on my part or my kids. We high five each other and blast my latest favorite praise song “In the Room” . The youngest walks into his class at school, the oldest and I head to Bible study where I’ll have some good adult discussion, and he will listen to an audio book while doing his 5th grade handwriting .
These days my mind is full and bursting. Hope is alive and well.
I can remember a time when it wasn’t. I remember days of darkness, night terrors, depression, grieving, wrestling with what felt like insanity, drastic weight gain and no matter what happened the scale would not go down.
But on the other side of it, I get why Proverbs says “ she laughs without fear of the future.” I used to be so perplexed by that part of Proverbs 31.
But, now? There’s a soft humor in looking back. A gentle giggle at the little “ Much Afraid “ that I was.
The one anchor that I can point to is my Savior.
Every other is just a small tool, but Jesus is the tool belt.
It wasn’t healthy supplements alone that got my body to start releasing her extra pounds she was hoarding. It wasn’t careful devotion and prayer checked off my to do list that cured my depression. It wasn’t “ doing all the right things”……. Although , doing “ the right things “ made an impact. No, the catalyst was a microscopic seed.
It started as a tiny little seed. A seed of faith that God IS who HE says He is.
Even when I couldn’t wrap my failing mental health around it , I had to decide that the God of the universe was right about every single thing. Right. Good. Loving. Friend of mine AND King of all eternity.
This seed of faith planted took me by surprise. As I reflect I realize that to be the “ good soil “ in the parable Jesus told, doesn’t mean that your life is perfect or without pain and suffering. No. To be good, receptive soil is to yield.
Yield to the way He picks the rocks out of my heart.
Yield to the churning as His Word plows through me and digs up ugly things hidden there.
Yield to the wedding. Letting God do whatever He has to , willingly makes us “ good soil “.
We are often so scared to hand over our entire being to the Lord. We laser focus on the precious things He might take away. Or we worry over the suffering we might experience.
But my friends, I promise you;
It is worth every valley of the shadow of death, to have Jesus by your side.
Who knows what kind of harvest I’ll see when the seeds planted during darkness have become mature? But, I can tell you this. There is value….. immense value in the planting, the growing and the harvest.
